Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Anna Basso
"There," said my Dad, as he handed me our jack-o-lantern. "Just set it on the porch." I opened the creaky front door of our huge mansion, and set the carved pumpkin on the front porch. 3 black cats ran off the porch with a quiet purr. Something moved in the shadows. I jumped and slammed the front door. I heard the lock click. But i had been OUTSIDE when the door slammed! I was now locked outside with three cats and something moving in the shadows. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and turned on the flashlight. I slowly walked over to the tree where the movement had been, adrenaline coursing through my veins.
´´Help me´´ the voice in the shadows moaned. I couldn't hold back anymore. I ran over to the tree and shone my flashlight. It settled on the figure of a person lying on the ground. It was my older brother! He had a black eye and his shirt was ripped and torn. There appeared to be a tire mark on his white t-shirt! What happened? I asked. ´´Haha I tricked you!´´ My brother sprang off the ground laughing, and gave me a brotherly punch on the shoulder. You´ve been tricked!!!
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Good start Anna! I liked your plot and humorous ending a lot. As you revise, be sure to add more detail to build suspense (it needs to be a little longer). Also, adding sensory description to say what your character can smell, taste, touch and feel will really bring the reader into it more. Thanks!
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