Don't Drink
Gabriella Dutson
"What is that AWFUL smell?" I asked. Then, I saw the cauldron full of bubbling purple liquid on our kitchen counter-top, and purple splatters from what seemed to be previous attempts covered the walls and floors. You see, my mother is a witch. Not the kind with ratty black hair and slime-y green skin, but the kind that simply just makes potions. She actually had lovely, silky ginger hair and soft green eyes. Anyways, back to the goop. It was PUTRID. Similar to if a skunk sprayed some old eggs in a sewer. Gagging, I plugged my nose and made myself breathe through my mouth.
I then noticed a quickly-written note scribbled on lined paper laying on the floor near my feet. I picked it up and read the sloppy, rushed handwriting:
"'Hey sweetie!I have to deliver and sell SEVERAL batches of this stinky-stink potion after I get back from the grocery store, just make sure you don't spill! One more thing. Don't. Drink. It.
Love you, bye!"
I looked at the letter, then the potion, then the letter again. After reading those last three words, I did what any other edgy, disobedient preteen would do. I REALLY wanted to drink it! What would happen if I did? Would I grow? Shrink? Die? Become immortal?!
I heard the garage rumble as I set the letter down, lifted my hand from my nose, (Which was a mistake, I plugged it again.) I stuck my usable finger into the purple slosh and wiped it on my tongue. But just as I swallowed, I heard the clanking of my mother's high heel boots on the hard tile floors. I fell to the floor, writhing in pain. Then it stopped. I stood up to see my mom looking me dead in the eye. "Congratulations, you disobeyed me. And now you stink." I lifted my arm up to my nostrils and took a deep breathe. "EWW-"
The End
Nice job Gabby! You did a really good job of writing it. The only thing I saw was you said, "But what would happen if I did? What I grow? Shrink? Die?" and put "what" instead of "would". Maybe you could re-read it next time? Great job though!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words and criticism!
DeleteYour post was really good, and I loved how the main character actually acts like any normal person would, by wanting and actually eating the potion when the paper said not to .
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words!
DeleteThat was a good story! I liked it a lot! One thing that I really liked about it is how you elaborated on the smell of the goop and on what the main character's mom looks like. It was really hard for me to find mistakes, and the one that I did find was really little. In the story, you put, "But what would happen if I did?" Maybe next time, don't start a sentence with the word "But". Your story was great though! Like I said it was really hard to find mistakes! Awesome job! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the kind words and criticism!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Gabby!! I loved it!! I would have to agree with Jocelyn about not starting with but.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the kind words and criticism!
DeleteWay to go Gabby! This was a unique twist on the story starter. Strong plot and characterization & some fun word choices. The end made me laugh too. As you revise, double-check the items the other writer's did above and add more figurative language to really appeal to the reader's senses. I also appreciated that you went back and read your comments and thanked them. You rock!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mrs. Robins, I appreciate it :). I'll be sure to look out for those!
Delete